There are different kinds of abuse that people surfer in marriages or in relationships. Some are physical, others are psychological, emotional, or verbal. (although there are other minor categories). Many women in particular have suffered in many ways in their homes and marriages for several reasons.
Some reasons could be traced on the man’s inability to manage rises that arises in that relationship or marriage. But abuse takes two parties, hence the woman must also be directly or indirectly a contributor to this menace.
Unfortunately, we assume that every abuse is always between husband and wife and we forget another important party to the family, the children.
Abuse could swing in any direction, sometime it could be the children to their parents, or parents to children, children-children and finally parents. But it becomes more painful when there seems to be nobody who can understand what exactly what to do under such circumstances, although many run to police, family, friends, counseling or advice clinics for help but in most cases it seems like it’s not working.
If any member of the family has an anger issue, they may be counselled, cautioned or reprimanded in custody. Some might have to go for some mental treatment such as anger management courses and so on, but statistic has shown that only 3% of this has worked, as most people end up repeating the abuse within 5 years.
If its an emotional abuse, psychological or verbal abuse, which school do we send such men or women to?
There are pre and post prevention approach. The pre-prevention approach helps to avoid crises from happening in the first instance or if it happens at all, manage such issue in a matured manner without allowing it to escalate. This is through Family Mentorship.
In most marriage setting, most likely the parties involved would have gone through pre-marriage counseling with families, friends, marriage counselors, religious authorities or other means, that’s fine. However, the situation changes, when the marriage starts to face challenges of any sort, Mentorship is the answer, since two different people are sharing an experience that’s new to men. If they had gone through it before and it was managed, it may or may not repeat itself in same manner, and if it does, it won’t escalate. In most cases they would need someone who will navigate them through the tides and turbulence they are facing and help them to win. When this is not in place, they act out of order and this leads to abuse. Problem with abuse is better prevented or controlled before it escalates than; ‘a medicine after death approach’.
Sometimes we need to go into the route cause analysis, without bias, objectively analyzing the issues in a way that will help the abuser as well as the victims. We must remember that the abuse is an instant or continuous action, but the aftermath may live with an indelible mark in their heart for life and the children involved may be psychologically damaged.
For the children, its more of the stigma than the abuse. They get more wounded when they realize that all the neighbors, friends and families know what had happened between their parents or between their parents and themselves.
One of the best solutions we offer is communication between all the members the families. We encourage the parents to discuss with their children in a very civilize way, allowing each member of the family to express themselves objectively without fear of being misrepresented.
First, they must state clear the objective of the meeting is not to point finger at anybody; as no man or woman enjoys be blamed!
However, someone may end up carrying the cross for peace sake. It may fall on the father, the mummy or one of the children, but it is very important for the rest member of the family to help the person carrying the cross to bear it, he or she should be comforted and encouraged. Then a good plan or changes to begin should be planned out and monitored in a matured way.
In my family when we discuss and I carry my own cross, I remember Jesus immediately, repentance comes to my heart and I will ask for forgiveness from everybody. Sometime I wish it could be someone else, sometime we try to blame somebody for this and for that, then we remember the rule, ‘we do not blame anybody, we correct our wrongs in love’. This has now matured my daughter and sons, they are like judges, but we have never hidden any arguments from them, rather we all discuss together in a civil way.
In dealing with our challenges for 20 years, we have always involved our children and we have avoided a third party getting involved in our marriage, so other families who might have an idea of what might have happened also found the way we handled ours, they also started modeling their own marital challenges well instead allowing it to turn to abuse.
Think about it, how can abusing your wife or your children correct them?
Verbally slapping your spouse with hurtful words because you are upset will also upset him. You therefore create a family with two upset people to lead you family. Don’t forget, it takes 3 party to make up a home, so always remember, if two are upset out of three, the family unit is weak already, vulnerable for Satan to jump in. On the other wise, if two parties are alright, happy and team working they can help the third party if he or she is upset.
Also depending on how you see problems, issues or challenges in your marriage, for our own family, we see such as an opportunity to bond, it create more reasons for us to talk and iron out some crocked edges, while some other may allow it to divide them further.
As a family, this formula is a healthy balance and always wins. However at anytime you find that this formula or equation is not achievable one of the two upset should take a walk, so that the balance can still be maintained.
This principles will work if its well applied rather than allowing the problems to escalate and bringing the police or going to court. From experience this later has led to separation, divorce and children turning to the street for drugs. and other negative narrative that the black web has got to offer them