Relationship

Relationship is one thing that determines everything, your happiness, joy and satisfaction in marriage is denominatored by how well you understand how to handle or manage your relationship with your spouse. Relationship and marriage are not the same, as you may have a relationship that is not leading to marriage and in like manner, you may have marriage that doesn’t have relationship. Let me start by explain issues that most people have; •Starting a relationship •maintaining a relationship •managing a relationship Male or female, we are almost all guilty of this. Without selling yourself cheap, every girl should be taught how to spark the light, engaging with purely intelligent conversation without loosing the plot. I tell you, from experience, the boys are as weak as you are in this area. They wish to start but they lack effrontery so they resign to faith. Unfortunately our parents have taught us never to start conversing with opposite sex as this might cheapen your persona, however I see it differently. There is no myth in expressing yourself and speaking the ur mind as long as you can different between decent and indecent conversation. The truth is this, the first impression count a lot, your Partner will never forget the first impression you create in his or her mind, the first day. However this shouldn’t hinder you from moving forward, you must appreciate that some people are full of wishes unrealised or unachievable. Healthy,pure and platonic communication with a ‘friend’ the first time you meet isn’t anything bad at all. How do you start initiating discussion with someone you do not even know? Everybody’s method is different, but I start mine by listening to my heart, asking my mind who is he, what does he/ she do, where is he/she coming from or going, will he/she be interested in football or politics or social news or religion, sometime I complement on their clothes or looks, etc For other people it could be different. I took my clue from the bible when Jesus was speaking to the woman at the well, asking her for water, you will notice Jesus never got the water and she never gave. But that was a way to start a clean and pure talk with someone you do not even know. One discussion led to another and eventually, she went to invite many people to meet Him. You must decide what method you want to adopt without ‘ selling yourself so cheap’ Fear factor, some people are afraid of getting a negative response, therefore they would rather not try at all. Yes some folks out there would give cold greetings or discouraging response, notwithstanding you have made a good attempt! If they are negative, then you be more tender as that is a sign of their own weakness not yours. It’s a defense mechanism for some people as a result of many factors you do not want to know. Just cheer him up as opposed to nosing into his/her private life. With such a person you can say words of encouragement, example,’ people like you give hope to people like us or others’, or nice tie or you are fashionable or you are beautiful or handsome ‘ and many more. You can even say something positive about the day, or the train, etc. You should always be positive in your communication with any boy or girl you meet for the first time, if possible, always. If for whatsoever reason the other party is reading a wrong meaning to it, you will know through his or her statement or actions to you, then at that stage you know he or she has lost the plot, therefore you will need to redirect his mind, and that is your winning tool! The fact that they misunderstood you for a cheap girl or boy soliciting their friendship makes it easy to control the boat now. Correct the wrong misconception in love, without hurting them, bitterness or anger. They can be apologetic verbally or internally, however, keep the lead. Let them know you are not like other girls or boys they have met in the past. You are simply unique, kind, responsible, etc, from that time onward you need to show they all your graceful kindness, genuineness, goodness, trust, etc You are probably meeting them for few mins while in the bus or train, so you are constrain with time, it doesn’t matter at this stage. If your part will cross again, fine, at least you have registered something in their minds about who you are and the value system you represent. Just imagine how precious unique thing feels in your heart!. Years ago when I was younger I remember my mother took me to a shop known as UTC, she wanted to buy me new clothes, however as we checked through the lines, searching for what she thought I should like, I found a unique shot sleeve shirt that I loved so bad, but for some reason she would not buy that one because it’s got too many red colour at the background. You know that some parents come up with every kinds of excuses in order to dictate what they want against what you want?, although she bought few shirts, but that unique one I saw, for some reason I couldn’t just get my mind away from it, it kept ringing in my heart for ages,’it’s unique’. Just imagine leaving someone with that feeling about you? But like I said, time may not afford you the opportunity of spending quality time together, that’s not a problem. No matter what happens do not exchange you no or house or contact details with them. As this is your first test and a crucial one indeed. This is fundamental if you do not want to sell yourself cheap. You will meet again or at worst, they might recommend you highly. Just imagine how you talk about something you cherish to someone who doesn’t even know about it. Imagine how happy you will feel I suppose to know that someone somewhere is giving good report about your persona? The reverse is also true, imagine someone saying dirty things about his or her first encounter with u to some people that never knew or met u before? I must repeat it again there is nothing wrong with flowing with anybody socially irrespective of sex or race Next is, maintaining a relationship: this is tougher as, it’s easier to start a relationship but more difficult to manage it If you go to churches or mosques or any religious based community you can confirm that people young or adult have lost touch with maintaining their old or new relationship. Most people do not know how to keep friends or how to manage bad relationships, if you as a parent or a parent to be, do not start training your sons or daughters to learn to 1: accommodate other,2: appreciate 3:tolerate 4: respect other people just the same way himself or herself would like others to respect them.5 they must appreciate that everybody will never be like them, in fact that everybody is different. We must teach them how to know that people will not always be as nice as they would expect, but they must learn how to handle such. These ppl are every where, in their work places, religious gathering, community, in buses, train, schools, on the street, in pub and so on. No matter how much we get annoyed or angry that will not eradicate such ppl, although annoying enough to provoke kindness out of you, however you have a choice on how you will react. If you react wrongly them you have played to their rules but if you take control by exchanging evil for good, then you have managed the situation under your control. As parents with four children, twin girls, they are 16 yrs today as I write this book, and two boys 13 and 11 yrs old. I watch and learn a lot from them and their friends about how children model their minds by what they watch on Tv or read in books and the rest is down to how they their individual personalities. They girls will be less tolerant than the boys when their friends come for holidays, I allow five boys to share one room and four girls to also share one room; separate from the boys. Before long the boys are finding a common ground to foster bonding, they talk about games, football. This brings a bonding that you might assume had always been there. Sometime you hear noise, they argue or fight over which team or player is best. Or it could be in some cases, someone is losing his chances in game and might feel cheated or defeated, he cries and walk away from the team, some times he might come and report or tell tales just because he is not happy, but after a while he goes back and join the team again. Conversely this is different with the girls, they are slow to start a relationship but quick to disagree or end it. With this clue a smart parent do not only know what to look out for but he or she must start considering the best approach to helping the kids. If they cannot tolerate their brothers and sisters or friends too; that speaks volume about their ability to handle challenges with outsider, example, how can they manage crises in their relationships? Or deal with a guy who does exactly what offends her as her own brother? Relationship is about respecting, loving and sharing each other’s strengths and weaknesses or success and failure, without pointing accusing fingers or without making the other party feel less self worth. Relationship can also be defined as treating others, the same way you would loved to be treated. When things go wrong, before you start blaming and pointing fingers, think!, ‘what if the table is turn around, and I find myself in the other person’s shoes’, how will I handle it?! If we relate with each other in this premise, you will discover that relationship can be an healthy phenomenon and if it’s well managed it gives peace, trust, respect, better understanding, long life, good health, etc At this juncture may I say that, if you do not know how to manage bad relationship then you will not appreciate a good one if you find it But it’s all down to parents when the children are younger, because children pick up from where they stopped. Most kids act just as they have see from their parents. It could be the way the parents or guidance behave to theirs spouses and friends. Some behave well to their spouses but do not relate well with neighbors and vies versa. Anyhow, the kids learn more and they can reproduce what ever they see or watch. So those of you abusive parents or cheaters, drunker, abusers, misers, etc, you are not only damaging your own relationships but messing up the mind and future of the younger generation. Example, statistics shows that the children from a broken marriage are twice likely to go through same. So should you want to teach your child, boy or girl, how they can handle relationship and enjoy it; you as the parents must not only say or wish it, but you must live it daily. What I have said so far is, if you do not understand how to manage relationship, then you really cannot understand how to manage your marriage. I have wondered for many years how good couples end up messing up their loving relationship, the woman for example will complain that ‘he’s changed’, he does not eat or stay at home any more, his attitudes has changed totally. The men too complain, ‘she is not as beautiful as she used to be, or she’s added too much wait since we married, she has changed totally’. On a much serious note, if you wife remains the same and doesn’t change physically, mentally, psychologically or sexually after years of marriage, then she might have been pretending from the outset. It’s natural for women to change and same for men. If they don’t after many years of knowing each other, they each of them might be like stagnant water, that doesn’t move but stays in the same position, smelling and incubating germs, flies and mosquito. So it’s natural for people to change, either positively or negatively I will explain positive and negative changes and how it affects marriages or relationship Positive first: Promotion or status change has affected many spouses in my life time as a family mentor, I have seen many men misbehave after his status changed and I have see women become something else because of promotion in the office, of course that is positive change, this comes with many packages and economic freedom on both couples But how can they handle this success without allowing this blessing to turn to curse? For many, it’s like a dog jumping out of chains, this the feeling some ( not all) go through when money or power comes in. Such me begin to look for women to share their money with then, unfortunately the main wife is left out. The man start using the influence of the money, promotion or power to make statements. While on the other hand, some women become so arrogant and insensible. Let me clear this money is good if any man or woman knows how to manage it. It’s similar to gun, some people manage theirs while others abuse it. However if the status of one of the couples change this may create another episode in that house, the richer or the empowered might become oppressive, insensitive and disrespectful while the other party become offensive, aggressive or become jealous and oppressed. These are where problems sometimes emanate from. Let’s look at another senerio, they used to have jobs, but now either one or both are out of jobs. Health challenge, loss of properties or business, deteriorating sexual activities, family and friends problem. Now in reality their is no true family who will not go through at least on of the few gongs I have mentioned in the first 10 years of their marriage. Prayer and fasting can do so much but cannot change this overnight, as everything has it’s own procedures and application. If you are supposed to pay for items ordered online, you don’t pray and fast, do you? If you lost the key to your car, you have to look for it or get a replacement, is that not true? Now in relationships and marriages, there is bound to be issue, either before or after marriage, but then; how do you manage this issues so it does not escalate?! In most cases people apply wrong concept to trying to proffer solutions to relationship, marriage and poor parenting situation The first solution is not your partner but you! In many cases, ‘we want him/ her to change’, this usually comes with the assumption that the other party is the ‘shit starter’. This mind set create defense from both party which eventually create walls of partition. The second solution is nobody outside your relation or marriage is ever to be blamed but the parties in the relationship and marriage. You can blame your father, mother, in laws, friends and family or even the prime minister of your country for his new policy, this is just a way of shifting the blames. It’s like sweeping dirt under your carpet, this give the impression that your room is clean on the surface, however, the fact that nobody can see the dirt doesn’t mean the environment is free from germs The fact that things go smoothly between two people is not a measure of how healthy your relationship with that person is, sometime it takes some challenging situation to relate well with each other. That’s why people come to my clinic and tell me the ordeal they are going through and they expect me to say go and divorce him or her, but sorry!, relationship and marriage is not for babies, it’s for matured people. When I say mature, I don’t mean age, but your ability to work things out, changing messes to messages, that is what I mean Many women and men who have divorced, I wish you had read my book on divorce & divorces, you have understood that you can turn things around better. Listen to this, most people who cannot handle their challenging relationship or marriage are usually surprised when they advice other families, The surprising thing is no matter how bad the situation in that family those divorces always believes that once they open their mouth to advice other results follows. Yes I can confirm this has happened with couples I took out for family mentor training. none of them spoke till we git to my clients place, they had been verbally abusing each other, calling each other names and their issue dates back to 7 years old, however once we got to my clients I asked the 2 of them to stay in the car, but I also realized that it may be chaotic to leave them in my car alone, in fact without a minder, therefore I asked them in to my clients house but advice them to keep quiet, you will be shock to hear this couple open their mouth to counsel another family even better the way I would have handled the matter. While they were at this, I started asking myself the million dollars question surprisingly, ‘what?, if they can manage other people’s problems; then what stopped them from managing theirs? Through this and many other experiences I gathered I concluded that, ‘talk is cheap’. People talk about good relationship, marriage and perfect home, but are they prepared to give whatever it takes to make it happen?. You do not graduate from a college in high grades if you will not commit to give it what it takes. Marriage is like a university, the only difference is, you don’t graduate, however you keep learning new things yearly, and the experience everybody get yearly are different in most cases. Unfortunately, it’s not a one size fits all process, if not, one person’s experience will solve everybody’s problems Like I said earlier, if we get relationship right, then we can get marriages and parenting right as well. Also I think I should re-emphasis that getting relationship right starts from you, then your partner, not the other way round There are miles stone litmus test to tell you if you have started getting it right: 1. Temper and anger management : 2. Forgiving people even when they don’t deserve it 3. Increasing your tolerance level 4. Check if keep repeating old wrongs done against you 5. Does you inner self curse or bless when you see your offender? That is something you have to consider and work upon yourself if things are to go right Most of the issue with relation is someone is always trying to be right, so this endanger arguments and ill feeling towards each other. Or someone wants to win or have the last day in an argument or a discussion. The last bit is someone wants to dominate, control and others listen. these are some of the major problems with relationship and marriage. These situation can also be managed if we apply some level of maturity to it Let me start by explaining that every relation, will attract people with different personalities, with varyng orientation, perspective and attitude. Because they are different doesn’t mean they are not good. Rather it’s a check on your own maturity. When you are in a relation or marriage for that matter, you must learn how to abase and abound, when to talk and be quete, when to win or lose , this is what determines your victory